Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
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Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
this is the greatest thing ever
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Sign at work today