First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
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There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My typo game is string.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu