@baseballchickie

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

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@WilliamAder

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

@DaddyJew

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

@BryMastas

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

@JasonLastname

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

@greek_heanen

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

@KingRainhead

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

@UnFitz

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

@HrBry

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

@thisislizz

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?