Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
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Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
when revenge coincides with naptime
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?