Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
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Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.