Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
You Might Also Like
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN