Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
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I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
The news is so predictable nowadays
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Never be a pizza!
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.