Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
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necessity is the mother of invention
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
That earthquake could have been an email.