My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems