All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
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*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”