All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
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[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
It be like that sometimes 😆
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom