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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor