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What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
My whole life was a lie.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I just tested negative for patience.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.