Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
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i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Cake!!
channeling her this year
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.