me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
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“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
*pokes sex life with a stick
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.