*pokes sex life with a stick
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Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.