Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
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Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
#Caturday
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)