If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
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If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
How can I say no to this ?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.