Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
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Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Duolingo getting serious.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.