I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.