[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible đ
date: yes đ
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
OMG đ¤Łđ¤Ł
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Sometimes itâs just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
The way my kids use toothpaste theyâll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I wouldâve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I want âDiet starts tomorrowâ written on my tombstone.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didnât add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
âew what is that?â is my childâs adorable way of asking whatâs for dinner
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I donât care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I googled âhow freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?â if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*