When the doctor asks about my sex life.
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[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.