as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
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Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk