A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying