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Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Breaking news:
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Perfect.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.