Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
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Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Siri, fight Alexa.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?