[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
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I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape