The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
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DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
OH. COME. ON.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
🙀🙀🙀😹
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat