me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
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[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Perfection.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
You wish you had this many chins.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.