me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith