Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.