People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.