Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
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Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather