There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
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The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”