Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
There’s always that one guy
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls