Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
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I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?