I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
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Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Pickled cat.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My patience has stretch marks.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies