My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
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Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me