For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
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I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
The A string on my guit_r is flat
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Twitter remains undefeated
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.