When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I finally found a reason to live again.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Had an epiphany today.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*