Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
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Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
oppen heimer style lol
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.