The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
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What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.