What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

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Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one


Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!


Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance


It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.


Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.


(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.


it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..


The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…