What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?