A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
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[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?