Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
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{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
reviewed some movies recently
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood