For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her