[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
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You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
🍞🦆
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance