I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
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“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
SPLOOT
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.