i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
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Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.