i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
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*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Coffee for people with no kids
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself