Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
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Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
it’s either covid or clever vampires