I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.