I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
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The French cow says MEUX…
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Single and childfree like Jesus
This is my favorite one of these!
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
i wish all
whales
a very
big
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.