My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?