It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
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If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.